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Past ready

Everybody....every-body in my family has their children at least 2 months early but not I.  My children are so healthy and on time it is quite miraculous considering their DNA.  I am happy that they will be healthy but with about a month to go I am feel so many things. Some days I am so happy and excited some days I want to bash my damned head in.  But there is a lot going inside of me, I keep telling myself.  

Due to a strong emotion inside of Charlie and I, and even Mum and Father; there will be a slight name change to our dear girl.  We have decided on Donyale Benazir Rousseau. My parents both met PM Bhutto during their uni days back in the 70's. My father met her again a few years ago as well. But even if not it really struck a chord, it really hurt my soul to see the chaos and that is not pre-partum depression talking.

I stopped working mid- December and now we are basically readying the nursery. Mum refuses to let me stay at our flat and insists that I stay back in the children's wing at home after Donyale and Charles have arrived and have gotten themselves settled. So there are 2 nurserys, one at our flat and one for the over eager grandmother, her first grandchildren you can imagine that.

Ah, we have the pictures of Donyale and Charles but I have to scan them in to show you. 

Happy New Year. I have only one resolution: to be the best mother I can possibly be, the detective has taken a 6 month  hiatus for the greatest mystery in life.   


And the winner is

1 boy, 1 girl.

We have decided on the names. We decided on the names not just after Charlie but my father and my brother, and well Charles is just a historic name in both of our families so it really suits them. I just adore the name Donyale, after my favourite cousin.

Charles Ravindra and Charlie Donyale

I feel as if I can barely fit in the door of our flat anymore. I am back at 80kg about the size I was when I finished A-Levels. It really is bothering me more than I realised. The cravings have been unbearable, I have really been craving American Soul food. Mac n cheese, liver pudding, fried chicken.  

My last day at work is December 5.  We are buying a quite neat wallbed for the flat and getting the place ready. It was suppose to be next week but I got myself thrown into a case that I am essential to.  The due date is still February 12th. 

Found a flat!

I am so excited we found a flat. and it is central london so we are both happpy with the location. pix from the websiteCollapse )

Tomorrow we go to the doctor's and we should be able tell the sex of our dears. People keep asking me what I would like most and honestly I just desire two healthy children. 2 boys, 2 girls, boy and girl. does not matter.

It is in the moment of gold like this that think about my suicide attempt and wonder what in the world was wrong with me. I have never been so happy and yet in so much pain in my life... It is really hard to find a comfortable position to sleep now. Sleeping on my side works for me but not for them. They like me to sleep on my back, but it hurts. 2 against one though.

gotta chip, hope all is well.


Name ideas...

Honestly everyone is giving their input and I still do not know. God just planned me to be a mother before I did so I am not sure.

boy name
Charles - after my father and Charlie
Ravindra - after the godfather Ravi (Ravindra)

girl name
Donyale - after my cousin


Oct. 3rd, 2007

I am having twins! I knew it I can feel it. I am so excited and exhausted at the same time. They kick they kick they kick. We still cannot tell the sex of the babies. But one of them kicks like a football player so I really hope for their sake he is a boy. I am still living at home, we are still looking for a place and I am still working in my father's office.
Charlie and I were married over the summer holiday in a small civil service. It was right before Chauncey left for asheville, he is abroad this year. I am so excited for him but I also miss him very much. You know how it is when you are abroad, he almost never gives us a bell.
We think we might have found a flat in Brixton but honestly i want to stay on this side of Thames I feel more comfortable over here. Not only that but in westminster I would only have to deal with mum and Father...and Chauncey. but over there there is Chad and Rhazma, Uncle Leon, Lavanya and Rabi stay over there during breaks with mates Iza and John. It is just a bit much but maybe my mind will change



The weight comes on me fast, I tell you that. It just seemed to sneak up on me. This whole thing is taking a lot of getting used to. I wake up some morning already and I feel like I cannot get out of the bed, but that may just be because the weather has been terrible the past few weeks. I feel like that at any given moment a sandstorm might come sweeping by my flat or through the corrider when I am at work.
I have decided that I am going to marry Charlie, not just because I am pregnant with his child but because I have loved him all my life and I know that he has loved me so long. Things were really crazy the past couple of years between us, but the past few months have been great and reminded why I have always loved him so. We are not having a ceremony till maybe next year after the baby is born we just want to focus on her/him right now. I have an odd feeling it is twins though. I am not sure why.
I will be leaving Cairo on July 21st to go back home. That is something I am not sure if I am ready for, living back home. I could get my own place but my parents would just argue so about it. After we go get our marriage license, Charlie and I will be living on the east end of the house. Our house is not huge but on one side of the house there is two empty bedrooms (mine and my brothers CJ and Chad used to live there) and a bathroom. Chauncey's room is on the other end still close to my parents. Chauncey is really excited about baby, which suprised me. I mean he cracked some jokes but that is his nature. Miss Margret, our maid she wants to start living at home again to help me but I told her it is not neccesary. Besides eventually Charlie and I will find a flat of our own and make our own life and we will not be having maid. Even if I could afford one on my own, I do not think I would need one.

I have to go.



The biggest news ever!

Guess what? You will never believe it. you will not be able to guess it. I promise

I am pregnant. I know! it is crazy! I was really scared and upset and mad at myself doing things I ought not to before marriage but after some time I have come to realise that this is a beautiful thing.

I guess I have a lot of explaining to do. Charlie and I have been dating the past 3 months. I did not really tell anyone because, I am not sure I guess I did not want everyone thinking things would be the same. I told Jasmine, my cousin and Lavanya that was about it. My parents did not really know we were dating I just told them that we had settled our differences from 2 years ago. After about two months *it* happened, a very sweet moment in my life. I know then, more than any moment before that I could forgive him, that it was as he said, and just because your boyfriend cheats on you with some whore does not he became a whore himself. Which by the by, I was slightly foolish I really did not think two virgins could get the one pregnant, guess I am not so smart after all.

I will be moving from Cairo in about two months and back to London. Father wants me to work in his office for awhile because he will be a kinder boss. Obviously graduate school has been delayed and I will probably end up working for the Met or CPS. I am trying not to think so hard but there is so much going through my head. I cannot believe I am going to be a mother. That by next year I will be responsible for someone's life and livelihood.

Charlie and my parents want me to get married and I want to, just not now. I mean I love Charlie, you know I always have but we can still do this without being straight away. But perhaps that is something I need to think about.

I really hope I have twins a boy and girl, would that not be something? The excitement.


How uneventful

Quite honestly the saddest birthday ever.

I feel myself being pulled into a direction that defies everything I was suppose to be. Everything I wanted to be.

Did I mention I was not feeling so very chipper these days. Ayman being around and Lavanya's and Charlie's calls and chats, the only thing that keeps me alive.

Staying the path

My biggest problem these days is simply staying motivated. I am far away from any family or mates for the first time in my life. I find myself just laying in the flat not doing a damn thing. Goal for tomorrow: go out and do something, anything after work. Even if it is with people from work, they invite me out every now and then. I just do not feel quite adjusted.


I actually graduate in June, from Cambridge with a degree in Law, concentrate in criminalogy. Now I live in Cairo and work in law office. It was so worth it, not only for all the academic things I learned. But all the skills and things I learned about myself. Life is not finished after university, so do not jump off and get married or anything silly like that. That was the number one thing I learned. Good luck to all still in uni. You can do it!

See more progress on: Graduate from university